I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
