just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
