I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
