fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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