So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
