There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I believe in your delicious
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
