Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
