If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
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