i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
