Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
