Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
