I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
