I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
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i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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