The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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