I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
