Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
