so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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