take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
