I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
