I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
