I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
