The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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