dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
