Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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