Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
