I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
