I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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