just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
