I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
