we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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