Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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