So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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