Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
