capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
