I will die if light touches me.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
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Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
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I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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