Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
We smell like vodka and hangover
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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