good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
