well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
