His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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