i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
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sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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