I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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