Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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