im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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