just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
