I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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