I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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