dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
