I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
