I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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