my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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