shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
