This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
