sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
