I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
