I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
